“Gabe when you are afraid, will you trust in God?” the small, sincere voice of my daughter, Felicity, drifted to me as I sat on the couch, legs folded under me, looking at my creative writing projects. They were tucked in bed and should have been sleeping.
My son’s voice, largely ignoring Felicity, hummed and thrummed as he made his toy cars vroom along in what sounded like a vaguely destructive manner. Then her voice continued, singing the lyrics, “When I am afraid I will trust in you, I will trust in you, I will trust in you.”
The interchanged warmed my heart. Yes, I want them both to trust in God when they are afraid.
And I want to trust in God when I am afraid.
And I want someone to remind me to trust in God when I’m tempted not to trust in Him.
**
I began this post several weeks ago when ordinary life thrummed and hummed. As I revisit this story, ordinary has shifted and changed and the hum as I and many knew it has shifted. The feelings and thoughts and actions that followed that new tune were a strange procession of denial, logic, anger, small joys, resignation, and helplessness. Headlines like “This is a Generational Moment” rallied my dormant patriotism. After all, we are the children and grandchildren of the great generation. They were great because they handled their moment with selflessness. Can we do that too? Can I do that? It makes me feel like I am reading about Molly MacIntire the 1940’s heroine of American girl doll fame. She was plucky. I can be plucky too.
And then grand thoughts fade into everyday realities, and it is raining outside, and the children laugh, and sometimes I am angry.
. Now there is little to “do” and perhaps much to fear—but then reading this story of my children, I am reminded about what to do when in a dark room with only a little brother and a tiny night-light.
**
When I explained to Felicity that we could trust in God when we are afraid she was taken by the idea. I could almost see the light in her eyes at the thought that she didn’t always need mommy, because she had God. It took her trust in me to hear that—and if the story in the Bible is true, that God loves us—surely, his love is greater than my love for Felicity and my trust can be greater as well. When I am afraid I should trust in God… but what did I do instead?
I told Nathan the title of this piece and he laughed and gave me a list of what I actually did.
Step One: Freak out
Step Two: Call friends and freak out with them
Step Three: Drive across town and buy coffee to “SUPPORT LOCAL BUSINESS”
Step Four: Write a blog post, in which to remember what actually matters.
What is fear? Isn’t it uncertainty and the conviction that unwanted suffering approaches. Was Christ afraid when he prayed in Gethsemane’s Garden? He knew the crucifixion was coming. He knew with certainty that he’d experience undesired suffering. Christ too must have known fear and Christ’s deep desire to avoid suffering validates our own desire to avoid the painful. And yet Christ said, “Not my will, but thy will be done.” Christ turned to prayer—but not just prayer. He asked His friends to wait and watch with Him. And perhaps with God’s strength we can watch with each other instead of falling asleep like the disciples and as a community we can bear together what comes
What does it mean to trust in God? To Felicity it meant that whatever shadows or thoughts made her feel fear she didn’t have to remain afraid. Instead she could remind herself by reminding her brother that she trusted in God.
Maybe that is what it means to trust in God. Maybe it means that we say yes, there are uncertainties and suffering that we do not want, and yet we can remind ourselves by telling each other that we don’t need to continue to in fear.
A verse comes to mind, “Fear not for I have overcome the world."
God, when I am afraid help me to trust in you.
What matters is who I become in whatever circumstances are given to me. What matters is what we do with the time and the circumstances given to us.
Let us pray, remember, and go together.
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